Currently Listening Collide By Skillet All of them, about five times each see related

Computers are slow

Well, it's past three in the morning, and my computer is still installing these stupid updates that it started five hours ago. It's showing progress, so it's not frozen. It's just taking forever. The two reasons I haven't just set the computer aside and gone to bed are the fact that the computer has given me several indications that it's almost finished, only to bring out a new process of the installation. Three times it has "downloaded updates" from 0% to 100%, and now it's "installing updates" and the bar is now at *pauses while switching windows* I would guess 85%. It claims to be "Finishing installation" and I'm not really sure I believe it.

The second reason is that I got twelve hours of sleep last night and a three hour nap this evening, so it probably would have taken a long time to go to sleep, anyway. They really should put time estimates on these updates: something like "This update will take approximately forever to complete. Would you like to take a shotgun to your computer now or wait a couple of days?"

Hehe. It's finished now. Apparently it doesn't like the whole shotgun idea. And they say computers aren't sentient.

Good night.

Halfway through

We just finished our second programmed youth camp. (By the way, pretty much what "programmed camp" means is a camp that Highland Lakes puts on itself. To me, it means a camp where I work like crazy all the time and don't get enough sleep. This is opposed to rental camps, when I work all the time, but not like crazy, and I get enough sleep.) We're a little more than halfway through our eleven weeks of service to Highland Lakes, about to start another programmed youth camp in three days.

Overall, nothing especially amazing has happened to me. Thus there being only two entries to date about camp. I've had no astounding revelations, no realizations concerning my future, and I haven't directly brought anyone to salvation in Jesus. I've made videos, cleaned some, served food some, and done some other jobs here and there. My days off have consisted mainly of sleeping, though I have been able to do some work on my book. This consits mainly of reading back over what I've written and revising, since it's been so long since I've written that I don't remember everything very well.

Not really much of an update, but it's my day off and I don't have a lot else to do. It's really weird to go from last week working nonstop with anywhere from four to six hours of sleep a night to suddenly shift to getting fourteen hours of sleep last night and having nothing to do.

Overall, I like it here. There are a whole lot of really cool people working here, and everyone works with God in mind. Sure, there are problems between people now and then, but overall there is an atmosphere of godliness.

It is often hard to remember to pray and think about God throughout the programmed camps, but He has helped me manage. In the evenings I can usually go down to the prayer garden and find it unoccupied, so God and I have conversations down there often.

The food is better here than at the Caf at Wayland, which to me is pretty sad for Wayland but good for the camp. My digestive tract still yearns for Mom's meals, though.

The PR staff is pretty cool. I'd say the most frustrating thing for me is that the other two have senses of humor that differ a lot from mine, so it's hard to make them laugh, which is something I'm used to being able to do just about any time, but it's good that there is nothing more frustrating than that. Our director's sense of humor is just way out there...

Anyhoo, it's suppertime, so I'm going to go eat. Love y'all.

Why I'm Here

I realize that it is entirely possible that very few people back hope understand why I chose to come and work at camp this summer. Really, I don't know with absolute certainty that God called me here. At this point, I kind of assume that God put me here, since, after all, I'm here. Anyway, to tell the truth, last semester wasn't my best spiritually. My first semester had been the best i'd ever had with God, but the second, I don't know what happened, but I pretty much ignored God. I heard His calling me to spend time with Him, but I only did if I had nothing else to do, which was never. So, our relationship suffered. I had been told about this camp and promised to consider working here, which I did. Eventually, it came down to whether I thought that I should spend time with my family or come to the camp. One day, while I was driving, and I had been thinking about the summer since the application deadline for the camp was coming up, how God and I weren't close. Also, last semester, God had been teaching me a lot about love, and I realized that I did not have a love like God's in me. I didn't hate anybody or anything, but I couldn't name anyone that I loved with a love like that spoken of in First Corinthians thirteen. As I was driving, two verses were brought to my mind. The first was John 15:5, where Jesus tells us that He is the vine and we are the branches and that if we abide in Him and He in us, we will bear fruit. The second is Galatians 5:22 which says that the fruit of the Spirit is love (and other things). Since I hadn't been abiding in God, I had no love. As the summer approached, I knew that when I was at home with nothing to do but rest, I tended to forget God. This doesn't make sense to me since I should be able to focus on Him more with little on my mind, but this tends to not be so. Also, I had been told that working at this camp consisted of a lot of work and that it is all filled with godly influences. It seemed to me a choice between being the summer with my family or with God. I realize, of course that it is my own fault that I couldn't seem to focus on God at home, but the fact remained. So, I decided that it would be better to be closer to God than to my family. So I sign up and I go home for three weeks, and I actually get really close to God those three weeks, so I get more conflicted and questioning of my decision, but I was committed. So, as my dad was driving me to the bus station, I feared that aI would wind up regretting the summer, that I would get wrapped up in the work and once again forget God when I could have been close to both Him and my family.

That was then. At this point, I'm fairly confident that God wants me here. He and I haven't been as close as I would like, but we are talking consistently. That's a start, at least.

I have only a short time to write all this, so I hope it made some sort of sense. I don't even have time to proofread, which is bad. If any of this makes no sense, write me a comment saying so and I'll clarify whenever I have the chance to get back on the internet.

Broken Dreams

All our dreams are broken:

God took them all away;

Dreams of money, children, fame,

Dreams of easy, stress-free life;

Replaced them with His glorious plan,

And now we're better off.

We offered up our dreams to God,

And now our future's His.

All our dreams are broken:

The world took them all away;

Sin has blocked out all the Light;

All that's left is apathy;

We crawl around in darkness,

Reaching out for hope.

We gave God's plan up all for naught.

Where has our future gone?

Lord return our dreams to us,

The dreams we dreamed with You:

Visions of Your glory,

The awe of knowing You.

God, revive our hard, cold hearts,

May they beat for You,

May we feel Your sweet embrace,

And know that You are You.

Not much of a poem, but it sounded better while I was praying. At least, that's what I thought I heard God say.

Songs make good reminders.

There is a song by Matthew West that I have listened to a hundred times but never really thought much about until recently. Now that I've thought about it, I think that it's worth sharing:

Every Second

I don't know what I would do without You
But I don't wanna think about that now
I can't imagine how I’d live without You
Oh, but I don't have to think about that now
'Cause you're here, and I'm right here with You
And the world as I see it is suddenly changing

Chorus:
I don't wanna let this moment fade away
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence
I just wanna fall in love along the way
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence

I don't like the way I was before You
But I don't wanna think about that now
So, here I lay my yesterday before You
Oh, and I don't have to think about that now
'Cause you're here, and I'm right here with You
And the world as I see it is suddenly changing

Chorus:
I don't wanna let this moment fade away
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence
I just wanna fall in love along the way
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence
Yeah

Bridge:
Oh, now every second matters
Now every second counts
And every day is one more day, Lord, that I can't live without
Without You

Chorus:
Oh, I just wanna fall in love along the way
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence
No, I don't wanna let this moment fade away
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence
I just wanna fall in love along the way
I wanna soak up every single second in Your presence

Now every second matters
Now every second matters
Now every second matters
Now every second counts
I just wanna stay
Where You are
I just wanna live
Where You are
And I don't want to leave
Where You are

I like what this song reminds me of: when we're with God, we don't have to remember our past and the mistakes and failures therein, because He does not take them into account. If He doesn't, then what right have we to do so? And besides, when you're with God, the mistakes and failures do not matter; they are covered by the Blood of Christ. He died so that we would not have to carry those burdens. It's difficult not to take one's own mistakes into account, at least it is for me, since I know myself and my heart so well. But God knows us more, and loves us with a love beyond measure or comprehension. He doesn't look at our mistakes; He doesn't even bring them up. What great, pure, and true forgiveness.

Yet how hard it is to forgive ourselves. How black is the sin that doesn't leave our corrupted flesh, how quick are the agents of the enemy to remind us again and again, how unrelenting they are with their merciless but horridly correct their accusations are. But how much greater is the Blood of Christ that covers and destroys that sin. It is sufficient to cause God to not think about our past sin. Often we feel burdened in our spiritual walks, yet Christ said that His yoke is easy, His burden light. I think that we burden ourselves with the guilt of our sin to the point that we're spiritually exhausted. We are not built to bear such a burden, and the awesome thing is, we don't have to! If we would only forgive ourselves as God has forgiven us.

Which brings up another song, or rather verse, that I shall conclude with:

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!